Girl Problems
by ToMakeMeTame
Summary: Artemis is surfing the internet one day when suddenly a popup… er… pops up. The resulting fiasco has Butler and Juliet on the floor in hysterical laughter, and has Artemis delivering several Glares of Death. Oneshot.


_**Warning- Artemis is extremely OOC in this one. As are Juliet and Butler. Deal with it.**_

"BUTLER! BUTLER, HELP!"

The giant manservant came running around the corner, blood pumping and adrenaline flowing, ready to risk his life yet again to save the 14-year-old Artemis Fowl, Boy Genius. And Boy-Who-Risks-His-Life-Every-Frickin'-day-Just-So-He-Can-Get-His-STUFF-Done!

Butler stormed into Master Artemis's study. The boy was lying on the floor, cradling his head in his hands, sobbing. Butler's eyes widened. "Artemis, Artemis, are you okay? Where's the danger?"

Master Artemis shuddered and pointed to the computer screen. On it was a popup of a pretty woman in a bikini.

Butler frowned. "What's wrong with it? Is the firewall crashing, or is it the hard drive?"

Artemis shook his head. "No!" he wailed. "It's the GIRL! I can't stop thinking about them anymore, and it's driving me INSANE! I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't PLOT!"

Butler looked surprised, and then chuckled. "Artemis, you're 14. It's normal to be thinking about girls at this age."

"No it's NOT! I'm too mature! I shouldn't be thinking about them! I'm much too busy plotting!"

Suddenly Juliet, Butler's younger sister, walked into the room. Artemis looked up at the sound of the door. His eyes widened when he saw her, then whimpered again and buried his face in the plush carpet once more. "Juliet... Go away..." he whined.

Juliet raised an eyebrow at Butler. He grinned. "Master Artemis is having girl problems," he whispered.

Juliet's mouth opened, and then she broke out into high-pitched giggles. "REALLY?"

Artemis looked up with a Death Glare at the two of them. "If you two don't mind, I'm having a self-pity moment here," he snapped.

Butler kneeled down next to his employer. "Artemis, trust me, this is normal."

"Oh really? Did YOU ever have a relationship? I can't picture you in one. I just can't. And I have a big brain. So I should be able to picture it. But I can't. So it must not be normal."

Butler chuckled. "No, Artemis. I was never in a relationship. Juliet was though. Ask her about it."

"But Juliet's a _girl!"_

"So?"

"So? Well, she's... she's a girl!"

Juliet came over and leaned down next to her brother. "Arty, believe me. I should know. And Holly might not appreciate the girl comment."

Artemis winced. "Please don't bring up Holly."

Juliet grinned evilly. "Ohhhhhh... a sore spot, huh?"

Artemis scowled. "No. I just don't like being reminded of Julius."

Butler raised an eyebrow. "We miss Julius too, Artemis, but what does that have to do with Holly?"

Artemis squirmed under the gazes of his two friends. "Well... erm..."

Butler snickered behind a massive hand. Artemis saying 'erm'? Something was definitely wrong with him. Oh, now the boy was glaring at him. Better stop laughing.

He put on a straight face, and attempted to seem wise in relationship matters. Artemis did not seem phased. "You two are ganging up on me, and I don't like it!" he snapped.

Juliet snickered. "Artemis, you may be both my and my brother's employer, but you're still a kid. Believe me; we both have a little more life experience than you do on many subjects, especially this one. Brains only get you so far."

Artemis scowled. "So?" he asked. Then, trying to steer the conversation away from dangerous waters, he asked, "Anyways, Juliet, you had a boyfriend?"

Juliet scowled. "He was a prat. I knocked him out with a bagel."

Butler winced, recalling the incident. "We're very lucky his parents didn't sue us."

Artemis decided that he didn't like talking about past boyfriends either. He glared at the siblings. "As interesting as this conversation is, I am not being helped in any way."

Juliet giggled again, choosing to ignore the fact that Artemis had brought up the topic himself. "Sounds like Arty needs a girlfriend."

Artemis sat up, ramrod straight. "A girlfriend?! But... but... my plotting! And having a girlfriend takes up so much time. It's just not possible! Not to mention probably. It's impossible! IMPOSSIBLE, I tell you! What ever gave you the idea? No. No, no no no NO!!!"

By the end of his little rant, both Juliet and Butler were laughing unbelievably hard. Artemis huffed at them, and Butler smirked. After many years, Artemis was finally acting his age. "Artemis, you're going to have to come around sometime, you know that?"

The pale-faced boy rolled his eyes. "Butler, I'm not sure you understand. I. Do. Not. Need. A. Girlfriend!"

The huge manservant held up his hands in a mock gesture of submission. "Okay, okay, whatever you say. Here, let me get rid of that popup for you, okay?"

Artemis nodded wordlessly, and, still smirking, Butler X-ed out the popup and turned back to his charge. "Well, if you don't need anything else, I'm going with Juliet to the mall. There are going to be people there that I need to meet. Would you like to come?"

Artemis blinked. "The... mall?"

"Okay... I'll come, I guess... Did you say Juliet was going to be there?"

**End**

**A/N - This was just something I randomly came up with after a test. Almost a year ago. Wow, I've had this on paper for a while... Well, everyone who liked it say thank-you to my awesome friend, Wrath of Naillil, because she was the one who kept telling me that I had to write an Artemis Fowl story. Of course, we got in trouble for passing notes after a test, but... yeah. Ok, everyone please REVIEW:)**


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